


Devil On My Back

by OwenToDawn



Series: Put My Heart To The Side [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 15:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19320799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Riku and Terra try to navigate their relationships with their own darkness and learn that maybe everything they've been taught about it isn't necessarily right





	Devil On My Back

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look a new series - this one shouldn't be too long though. I know exactly where part 2 is going, and part 3 is going to be pretty short. This will be Terra/Riku endgame as well. Thanks for my writing friends for writing in sprints with me so I could finish this and giving it a read to make sure it made sense. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, comments are loved. 
> 
> Title from Let Go by Beau Young Prince
> 
> Series title from Not Scared of the Dark by Ty Dolla $ign and Lil Wayne

_Thwack....thwack....thwack, thwack....thwack_

Riku pauses at the entry way to the courtyard they've turned into a makeshift arena. It's in the back gardens of the castle that's still being rebuilt through the combined efforts of the original owners and Leon's restoration group. He'd been planning on exhausting himself so he could sleep. Worry and fear for both Sora and Kairi left him too on edge to sleep without exhaustion bogging him down whether his brain wanted it or not. He's usually able to spar alone. Leon joined him once. 

This is the first time he's run into Terra though. 

Terra, Aqua, and Ventus had shown up two weeks ago with the intent to learn what they could from Leon before returning to their home to restore it to its former glory. He'd had no issue working alongside Aqua and Ventus. Terra though...his avoidance of Riku had been obvious from the start. It's the way he finds an excuse to leave when he enters the room, or when he has no smooth way to escape, he avoids Rich's gaze, and how he only responds to people who _aren't_ Riku in conversation. 

The clear desire to have nothing to do with him is what makes him decide that tonight will just have to be another sleepless night. Before he can leave though, Terra stops and straightens up out of his stance. The silence feels louder than the practicing did. 

"You can stay," Terra calls out. "I didn't mean to interrupt your routine."

"And how do you know it's a routine?" Riku calls back, keeping his tone light as he heads through the garden and approaches him. He keeps his steps loud. The last thing he wants to do is take Terra by surprise and ruin the tentative trust that he's attained. 

"It's easy to sniff out the one person who doesn't reek of darkness or light," Terra says. He takes a deep breath, the line of tension in his shoulders still easy to see in the bright moonlight even as he lets the breath out. "You're a bit unique that way."

"It didn't come easy," Riku says. 

Terra turns to look at him, meeting Rich's eyes with a forced intensity, like it's taking everything in him to do so. "Do you mind if I watch?"

Riku shrugs. "If you want."

Terra hands the practice sword over and then heads to the left of the small arena area to take a seat in the dirt at the edge. It's a strategic choice. The moon is bright enough that Terra will be able to clearly see his stances, patterns of movement, and footwork. Riku doesn't mind being sized up. Clearly Terra sees him as a threat for some reason. He doesn't mind being watched if that's what it takes to make Terra feel safe again. 

He almost forgets Terra's even there a few minutes into his warm up. It's easy to sink into his body and leave his mind behind when he has a magically reinforced dummy to hail on. Once his muscles feel loose and warm, he switches to more complicated combinations, letting his feet carry him around the training dummy as he goes. It's mind-numbing in a way. There's no rush of adrenaline like there is when he's fighting for his life, but he's done enough of that to last the rest of his life.

By the time he stops, his limbs feel weak and they tremble and sweat soaks his skin and hair. He sets the training sword against the training dummy as he tries to catch his breath. His worries about Sora's safety feel distant when he can barely hold himself up. The sound of Terra stepping towards him doesn't come as a surprise given the state he's in.

"Hey," Terra says, voice low with a note of concern. "You need help back to your room?"

Riku waves him off. "I just need a moment."

"What is it that keeps you up so you have to do this?" Terra asks, voice quiet and distant like he's not even aware the words are coming out of his mouth.

"The same thing as you probably," Riku says. He straightens up and shakes out his limbs. When he looks at Terra, the other man's eyes are unfocused and staring at the ground. "Terra?"

Terra jerks, a plastic smile plastering over his face. "Sorry. I should go."

Before Riku can say another word, Terra hurries away.

 

-.-

 

Despite the uncomfortable note they ended on, Riku ends up spending sleepless nights side by side with Terra as they pummel the training dummies with wooden swords until they're exhausted. Usually, they don't talk. That's mostly Terra's choice. If it were up to him well...he has a lot of questions about the guy who gave him the power to protect others in the first place. But he knows pressing will make it worse. For a person who could lay him out with a well timed and well placed hit, Terra comes off as rather skittish.

It isn't until two weeks of this new routine have gone by that Terra breaks the silence.

"I remember you," Terra says as they stretch out in the pre-dawn light.

Riki's skin feels chilled now that the sweat from the workout has started to dry. He wants nothing more than to crawl into bed under a warm blanket, but he's not about to pass this opportunity up. "What do you mean? From Destiny Islands?"

Terra shakes his head, straightening up and pacing as he swings his arms across his chest to stretch. "I...when Xehanort became a Heartless, when he became Ansem, my heart went with him even when most of my mind stayed with my...possessed body."

Riku frowns, wracking his brain. Thinking about the time he was a prisoner in his own body doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's worse thinking about when he'd willingly given in to the darkness to beat Roxas. He'd spent a long time with Ansem's voice in his head. Even now, a year free of his influence in any way, sometimes he still thinks he hears a whisper of his voice late at night. In all that timehe can't ever remember hearing another voice.

"I'm not following," Riku says.

Terra goes still, expression pinches. "The Guardian. That was me, or what I became to protect myself."

Riku gets to his feet, considering his next words as he dusts his hands off on his pants. "Well, you hid well. I always assumed the Guardian was a manifestation of my own darkness the way I thought it was for Ansem."

Terra looks up at the moon. Riku watches as his fingers curl and uncurl into fists at his sides. "He constantly tried to erase me before the split into Ansem and Xemnas. I had to learn how to hide, how to reflect himself right back at him when he looked at me. I got so good at it that I...I became that monster. Maybe I still am."

"You're not," Riku says. "Surviving doesn't make you a monster."

"Maybe not. But I ruined your life, and Sora's, and Kairi's. If it weren't for me, the world I'd visited wouldn't have been lost." Terra shrugs. "The examples are endless."

Riku shakes his head even though Terra isn't looking at him. "If it wasn't you, he would've found someone else."

"If it had been you, it wouldn't have been as bad," Terra says. "You fought him off. You took his power and mine, held his form but stayed in control."

"Only because I knew I had my friends beside me," Riku says. "I let him in willingly at the start."

Terra seems startled when he looks back at Riku. "You did?"

Thinking about his arrogance, the loneliness he'd felt then, still makes his chest feel tight. "I thought I was alone. I still should have known better, but Xehanort...Ansem, all of them are good at manipulating people into giving them what they want."

"Do you feel alone now?" Terra asks.

"No, I..." Riku frowns. "I suppose at this moment I do. What helped me gain control and push Ansem out for good was knowing that I wasn't alone but now...well I guess we're both out here for a reason, aren't we?"

"But even now, you don't let that darkness in," Terra says, but his eyes seem unfocused like he's lost in his own thoughts again.

"Is that what you're worried about?" Riku's question doesn't get a response. After a moment of hesitation, Riku taps Terra's hand with the practice sword. "Terra?"

Terra jerks like he's been shocked. "How do you keep it out? It's always there any time I close my eyes or let my guard down, it just eats at me every moment and I don't know how long I can hold out before it wipes me out again and I-"

"Terra, I need you to take a breath," Riku says, letting his calm but firm voice cut through Terra's growing hysteria.

The breath he takes is closer to a gasp than anything else, a hand reaching up like he wants to grab at his throat before he drops his arm back down as if realizing he's still fine, he's still himself. “How do you sleep when you never know if that will be just the thing the darkness needs to get back in?”

Riku thinks back to when he’d first wandered into Castle Oblivion, back when Ansem had sat just below the surface of his own mind waiting for the moment Riku let his guard down. Back when he’d been uncertain if he’d make it out intact. The only comfort he’d had was the knowledge that Mickey was watching over him.      

The way he’d watched over Sora as a Dream Eater.

“It helps to know there’s people around to help keep the darkness away. Like Aqua or Ven,” Riku says.

Terra shakes his head. “Their connection wasn’t enough to stop me the first time.”

“It was enough to save you though,” Riku says. “That has to mean something, right?”

Terra looks away and doesn’t answer. Whether from shame or because he truly has no answer, Riku doesn’t know. What he does know is that looking at Terra is like looking in a mirror that’s moments away from shattering into thousands of pieces.

“Where’s your room?” Riku asks.

Terra frowns. “I…I’m by the lab.”

“Okay. Let’s go back. I have an idea.”

Riku half expects Terra to object, but he just bows his head and follows Riku out of the courtyard. It’s chilling to see, the difference between Terra as he fights and now. Asking him questions clearly causes distress. Issuing a command though seems to come with immediate and unquestioning obedience even without a rational reason behind the command. He supposes it makes sense. He never stopped fighting against Ansem. But to survive, Terra couldn’t fight. He had to obey, and as Ansem’s Guardian, obedience had surely been the only option.

There was no undoing such a lesson in a few weeks. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t help. He hasn’t used his Dream Eater powers since he’d saved Sora during their Mark of Mastery, but the mark remains on his back so he knows they’re still there. When they reach Terra’s room, Riku turns on the overhead light. It’s a small room, no windows, with just enough room for a double bed and an empty nightstand with a door to the right that likely led to an equally tiny bathroom. If he were to guess, he’d say it had likely been used as a space for a quick nap during a complicated experiment.

“Well this is homey,” Riku says as he takes a seat at the foot of the bed.

Terra jolts back to awareness, expression pinching up and a flush dusting his cheeks. “It’s just…the windows freak me out. I prefer things being closed.”

“That’s fine. I get it,” Riku says. “So when you do sleep, do you dream?”

Terra sits beside him, shoulders rolling down and in like he’s trying to make himself small. “I think dream might be too generous of a word.”

“So then nightmares?”

“Yup,” Terra says, looking down at his hands. “And when I wake up, half the time I can’t tell because it…the darkness rises so close when I have those dreams, I have to work to choke it all back down.”

Riku nods. “Well, I think I can at least solve the nightmare problem. Maybe then, we’ll have the space and time to worry about helping you control the darkness.”

“Oh yeah?”

“You ever heard of Dream Eaters?”

Terra frowns and shakes his head before looking at him. “It doesn’t _sound_ good.”

Riku shrugs. “It goes either way. Basically I can go into your sleeping mind and destroy your nightmares. I gained the power on accident during my Mark of Mastery.”

“What does that entail then? Are you…are you going to see my memories?” Terra asks.

“I might. Usually the nightmares take a physical form, but I don’t know enough to say for sure that I won’t see a memory or two,” Riku says. “And it’s your choice. No one’s going into your head again unless you want them to and that includes me.”

A peculiar look crosses Terra’s face them, something caught between mistrust and hope.

“Would it help if I let you into my head first?” Riku asks.

Terra recoils, seemingly in shock. “You’d…do that?”

Riku shrugs. “The things I’m the most ashamed of are the things everyone already knows. I’m still ashamed but I don’t hide from it anymore. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t willing to trust you.”

“I don’t understand how you could,” Terra says, glancing back down at his hands. “I can’t control my own power.”

“Not to sound cocky, but you’re not going to be able to overcome me with darkness,” Riku says.

Terra doesn’t seem all too confident in Riku’s words, but after a long moment of silence, he nods. “Okay. You first.”

They both tug off their boots before climbing up onto the bed and stretching out on their backs side by side. Riku closes his eyes and looks for the power to drag them to the sleeping world. It’s easy to find, but harder to locate Terra’s mind even with Terra right beside him. When he finds it, there’s almost no doubt it’s Terra, the darkness in his mind roiling before it abruptly shifts and suddenly it feels like his own mind is being reflected back at him.

“Terra, you have to stop hiding,” Riku says.

“I can't..." Terra's voice breaks and cracks and Riku can feel him tremble.

He opens his eyes and pushes himself upright. When he looks down at Terra, he sees that his expression is pinched up, eyes shut tight as if that will somehow stop whatever it is that's going through his head. Riku reaches out and lays his hand over Terra's. He regrets it immediately. Darkness floods through him, flowing out of Terra and into him and he can feel it digging at his mind and heart, scrabbling for purchase on the smooth surface that is his steadfast resistance to its influence. He let's go of Terra's hand and ignores the urge he has to reach out again. Dark tendrils stretch after his hand before recoiling and vanishing from sight.

It's more than a little disconcerting. He takes a deep breath and reaches out again, letting the darkness wash over him for a moment as it searches for a way in but he doesn't let it do anything but roll off him like water over a pebble. Terra tenses beneath his hand. That's all the warning he has before Terra seizes his hand, wrapping it tight in his own.

"What is it?" Riku asks, voice whisper soft.

"It wants you, not me," Terra says, eyes still shut. 

It's probably a good thing. Riku isn't sure how well he'd take seeing the way his darkness slides up Riku's arm and across his chest, trying to choke at him but unable to do anything but slip away again. It feels familiar in a way. He supposes it makes sense. People like them spent so much time soaked up in the darkness of Ansem, of Xemnas, of Xehanort, it wasn't exactly surprising that it would change a part of them irreparably. The thought doesn't bother him as much as it did back when he'd first given in so he could defeat Roxas. He knows who he is. Ansem and Xehanort both molded him and he'll never be able to shake the influence they had on him, for better or worse. He's accepted that.

Terra doesn't seem all that ready or willing to accept that. Riku isn't sure if he even can. He watches as Terra's darkness coats his body and swirls around before it begins to dissipate, no interest in staying where it can't be in control.

"Does it scare you?" Riku asks.

"What?" Terra asks, grip loosening on Riku's hand.

"Knowing that part of Xehanort will always be inside you," Riku says.

Terra recoils, jolting upright and glaring at Riku with an anger so intense, for a moment he wonders if he should summon his keyblade.

"He's not," Terra says. "He's gone, they're all gone."

Riku nods. "Yeah, in a sense. But what they did doesn't go away. We can't erase what happened to us, no matter how badly we want to. I don’t mean you’re at risk of possession again, I just mean that we carry our experiences with us. You and I were changed. That doesn’t mean for the worst.”

“You can’t believe it’s that simple,” Terra says.

“It’s not simple,” Riku says. “Or easy.”

“Or true,” Terra says, voice growing harsh. “How could you say it wasn’t for the worst after everything we’ve done to the people we care about? To the worlds that have fallen to darkness because of us?”

Riku takes a deep breath, urging the instinctive defensive anger that rises up in his chest to go away. After all, the words come from guilt. From hurt. Riku isn’t going to hold that against him.

“Get your armor on,” Riku says, climbing off the bed and grabbing his boots. “You need to see something.”

 

-.-

 

Riku pushes open the doors to the 1stDistrict of Traverse Town, holding it open enough to let Terra step through before letting it slam shut. In the perpetual night that lays over the world at the edge, it feels a bit like responsibilities don’t matter, and the laid back atmosphere encourages the feeling.

He hangs back and watches as Terra takes in the sight of people from clearly different worlds sit and chat in the open bar area to the left. A waitress with a waterfall of deep brown ringlet curls glides from table to table delivering food and drink alike while a Moogle dressed in a cute suit floats around to give bills and collect money. The patrons are a mishmash of highbrow locals and fighter and workers. All people living out the life they want. Or as best they can.

Terra looks back at Riku. “What is this place?”

“Traverse Town,” Riku says. “When darkness swallows a world, people with strong hearts end up here. Some of them stay even when their worlds are restored. Sora said this is where he ended up when I first depend the door to darkness in Destiny Islands.”

“And what about those whose hearts aren’t strong enough?” Terra asks.

“No one’s ever lost forever, not to darkness,” Riku says. “I can’t say for sure _how_ , but I think…as long as people can still dream about them, there’s a way for them to get back. Every world that was restored had every person restored so you know somehow, they’re kept safe, and if I had to guess, I think it’s because the people who are strong enough to make it here keep them alive in their hearts. Like Sora did for all of us.”

Before Terra has a chance to respond, the doors to the district open once more and they both turn to see two people swaggering in. And swagger truly is the only word Riku can apply to the way they walk. On the right is a man with cropped golden-brown hair dressed in leather pants and an elaborately embroidered golden vest and white shirt. Gaudy rings adorn his ears and fingers. The confidence he wears them with makes the whole look come together. To his left is a woman dressed in an even more elaborate set of skin-tight armor that seems to be hand crafted to fit her thighs, calves, sides, chest, and not much else. Despite that, it’s her long white hair that tumbles around her dark-skinned face and deep red eyes along with the tall rabbit ears that draw his eyes.

“Well you’re new,” the man says.

The woman ignores them, striding right passed without so much as a glance. Moments later, the bar crowd gets loud with greetings as she takes a seat at a mostly empty table.

“Eh, it’s been a while since my last visit,” Riku says, holding out a hand to shake.

The man takes it and gives a firm shake. “Balthier. Resident sky pirate and bounty hunter. My partner’s name is Fran, and apologies for her not introducing herself - she’s not a fan of strangers.”

“No offense taken,” Riku says.

"Can I get you both a drink?” Balthier asks. “Fresh off a job so we have extra to spend. Why not on a fellow worldly traveler?”

"Maybe somewhere less crowded?” Terra asks.

“Of course,” Balthier says.

Which is how they end up seated in the balcony above the main bar with a bottle of wine and a wine glass each.

“Well you certainly don’t look like long lost souls who just lost their homes, which means you’re like me,” Balthier says.

“Like you?” Terra asks.

“Someone who’s home was restored but was too restless to stay,” Balthier says. “Took us a bit, but eventually Fran and I figured out how to modify our airship to leave our world and survive the dark corridors. Life has been way more exciting since then.”

“But why not return home?” Terra asks. “After losing it, how could you still be restless?”

Balthier laughs, but it isn’t a mean or malicious sound. “Sometimes, home doesn’t want you back. And beyond that, how could a person be satisfied staying in one place after knowing what’s out there?” He sips at his wine, head tilting to the side. “Though I suppose, I can see how one could come away from such an experience with a need to never leave again.”

“Sometimes, I can’t decide which one I want. It’d be nice I think to return home and resume my old life, but it’s just not possible,” Riku says. “And I suppose I like who I am more now.”

When he looks at Terra, the other man is staring down into his wine glass, clearly lost in thought.

“So where do you two come from?” Balthier asks without missing a beat.

“I’m from Destiny Islands,” Riku says.

“Not far from here then, if I remember properly,” Balthier says.

Riku’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “You’ve been?”

“Just one,” Balthier says. “Fran had heard a rumor that there was a way to reach the dark realm there. We ended up just hanging out on the beach because we couldn’t find much of anything. It’s a pretty place, so it wasn’t a total waste.”

“Why would you want to go to the dark realm?” Terra asks, voice accusatory.

Balthier shrugs. “Perhaps it’s my father’s blood in me. Curiosity to a fault. But I don’t have a death wish either, so I suppose the door will remain shut for now.”

Before Riku can voice his own opinion, the door to the balcony opens and Fran steps out to join them. She sits between Riku and Balthier, leaning back in her seat as she assesses them.

“It smells like anger. What did you say?” she asks as she fixes Balthier with a judgmental look.

“Why the assumption that _I_ did something wrong?” Balthier asks.

“Because you put your foot in your mouth far more often than you’ll ever admit to,” Fran says with a smile.

“I’m not mad,” Terra says. “I just don’t see how someone would want to enter the dark realm on a whim just to satisfy a curiosity.”

“There’s nothing to fear there that I wouldn’t fear somewhere else,” Fran says with a shrug. “The darkness is not evil. It simply is. It is a force of nature that can be used for good or bad, protection or destruction.”

“How can it be for good?” Terra asks.

“As far as I can understand, the darkness is what connects the worlds together,” Balthier says. “It’s dangerous to travel through, but with proper machinery, we can use that same power to reach other worlds.”

“It comes down to who’s controlling it,” Fran says. “Back home, I come from a tribe that lives in our wood on the edge of our world. The darkness is thick there and you can slip into the dark corridors with one step and then back out again. It is the source of our power, lets us live for hundreds of years, shields our very skin from harm, but too much of it and we lose control. We rage like violent beasts until we burn ourselves out. But we are not evil. We are protectors.”

"You’re certainly talkative tonight,” Balthier says.

“I do not like seeing people feel guilty of a power that protects them,” Fran says. Her eyes stay focused on Terra. “You reek of it, but fear it. You let it control you instead of working alongside it as you’re meant to.”

“It’s what we were taught,” Riku says. “Always fear it. Learn to control it.”

Fran shakes her head, frustration apparent. “Some people are like my village. They exist on the edge. To resist is to lose yourself.”

“So what? I let it swallow me whole?” Terra asks.

“That or you learn to exist peacefully with it,” Fran says.

“You don’t even know me,” Terra says.

“Perhaps not. But I’ve known many like you,” Fran says. “Perhaps you should think about why my words bring so much discomfort.”

"Fran,” Balthier says, his tone tired.

One of her ears flicks back in irritation. “Give them the number to the Strahl. Should he wish to learn to exist with the darkness instead of fight it, I will accompany them to my village.”

Before Riku can attempt to say anything to smooth over the conversation, Fran gets to her feet, grabs the wine bottle, and heads back inside. He sighs. It’s not exactly what he meant to come of the trip. But perhaps it wasn’t in vain, if Terra’s thoughtful expression was anything to go by.

“My apologies again. Fran can get passionate about these things,” Balthier says.

“It’s fine,” Terra says. “I…she’s given me some things to think about. And I’m sorry if I came off hostile.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Balthier says. “Fran hasn’t returned to her village in over a decade. If she’s offering to take you there, it’s with good reason, and she certainly wouldn’t make the offer if she thought you were rude.”

“I wouldn’t say she seemed overly fond either,” Riku says.

“She sees something in you,” Balthier says, gesturing at Terra. “And it reminds her of home. Fondness certainly isn’t the word for how it makes her feel, but Fran hasn’t ever been one to stand by when she can help. Even if helping seems like the furthest thing from her mind.”

Terra looks over the plaza and then at the sky. “The people from her village…do they truly live _with_ the darkness?”

“Yes, hard as it might be to believe,” Balthier says. “I’m sure you have a reason to fear it, but I wouldn’t pass up this opportunity.”

Silence stretches between them. Riku watches as Terra thinks, lost in his own thoughts. His own relationship with darkness has changed, and he’s sure it’ll change again in the future. Sure, he had a resistance to it now. Maybe he always would. But maybe it’d creep back in too, and in all honesty, he wasn’t sure how he could replicate the process to help Terra gain control over his own.

“Terra, maybe we should go with them,” Riku says. “Tonight.”

Terra glances back at him. “What about everyone at radiant Garden?”

Riku pulls out his Gummi Phone and gives it a little wave. “I’ll message them. Is that alright with you, Balthier?”

“I don’t drink and fly,” Balthier says. “But we’ll be taking off tomorrow morning. We can certainly go together.”

“If you’ll have me then I’d….I’d like to come along. I just know I can’t keep doing what I’m doing,” Terra says, sounding more confident than Riku has heard him since they started talking.

“Meet at the gate in the morning, 8 AM sharp,” Balthier says. He smiles. “You won’t regret it.”

Riku doesn’t think they will.

           


End file.
